Wednesday, August 26, 2009

P = M T womb

In 5th grade, my math teacher Mr. Al Gorithm had this punishment (he called it a "game") called "Think Fast." Mr. Gorithm made us cut out construction paper numbers and keep them in an envelope on our desks. Then, every once in a while, he would saunter around the room and slowly, casually, start stringing together a math problem.

"8 ... plus 5 ... minus 2 ... plus 50 ..."

The entire room of chubby 5th-grade hands would frantically scamper, dumping out paper numbers on our desks and following along with the problem in our heads. That's when mean, mean Mr. Gorithm would take things up a notch:

"Plus 5 minus 4 plus 15 plus 300 dividedby4timesthesquarerootof10 ..."

And that's when I would lose it.

Not because I couldn't figure out the answer if I just listened and thought hard enough, but because it was Just. Too. STRESSFUL. So I'd give up and draw little hearts and flowers on my numbers while my classmates would sweat it out. Silly chubbies.

Since the 5th grade, not much has changed. I still don't like math (hence my copywriting career), and I still don't like to "Think Fast." I like to think SLOW. I like to turn my thoughts over in my head once ... twice .. thirty times. I like to think and rethink my actions, and I like to obsess over "what ifs." It may not be right, but it's right for me.

So now for my embarrassing confession: This month, I actually counted the days of my cycle wrong. What I thought was Day 28 was actually only Day 26. Oh god, Mr. Gorithm would be so ashamed.

That leads me to my current SLOW thought, which I keep spinning around in my mind: When I tested on Day 29 (last Saturday) and got a BFN, there's still a chance that it could be wrong. Right? RIGHT?!

Anyhoo. Today is real day 33. I haven't tested since Saturday. I haven't gotten my period. But I DID use an OPK today (you know, because OPK + 33 = HPT and all) and ... it was POSITIVE. WTF?!

Body, please. Stop f-ing with me. I'm SORRY I don't like to "Think Fast". I'm SORRY I have 50 day cycles. I'm SORRY I can't ... count.

Just let me multiply and I promise I'll teach my child how to divide.


  1. So I think you should test.... A + opk could mean a + hpt. I doubt you are oing right now. Oh yeah, I always thought math sucked too.... That what caluclators are for :)

  2. Hmm, are you going to test? Because I thought OPK's could detect hcg...

    How many days past ov are you?

  3. Thanks ladies. But alas. Just took an HPT and it was a BFN.

    Day 34 and counting.