Wednesday, October 14, 2009

Here We Clo Again

As I've shared, I went on birth control when I was 15 because of my horrendously horrendous cramps. When I think back to the dramatic scene I would cause once a month - rolling around on the floor, crying, throwing up - I cringe with embarrassment. Because they couldn't have been THAT bad.

Oh yes. They could.

Know why I know? Because they came back last night after a nearly 14-year hiatus.

When I last left you on Saturday, I was all goody-goody-gumdrops over my progesterone level of 24. I went to a wedding on Saturday night and didn't drink a drop (ok, maybe a drop, but not even half a glass). I began calculating my due date. I Googled baby boy names (because of course I already have my girl name picked out).

And then. The cramps.

They hit me like a punch in the gut. For one good hour last night, I screamed and cried in pain, dry-heaved and basically had a huge meltdown. At first BumpMister looked at me like my head was spinning. Then he panicked and wanted to take me to the ER.

Then he called my mom. Yes, my mom, who assured him that this was normal (well, normal for the 15-year-old version of me) and to simply wait it out.

BumpMommy was right, and after an hour I was snuggled on the couch eating pistachio ice cream and wiping mascara streams off my cheeks. But when the cramps stopped, something even more horrenously horrendous started. My period.

Which brings me to today...

...and my third round of Clomid.

...and the message from Dr. Obigeewyan that ominously said, "I'm going to give you one more prescription, and if you don't get pregnant this month, I'm referring you to a reproductive specialist."

So here we Clo again.

Saturday, October 10, 2009

Torture & Tantrums

If our government could bottle the two week wait, it could be used to thwart terrorism across the globe. Because right now I feel like I'd rather have bamboo shoots stuck under my fingernails than wait one more minute to find out if I'm pregnant or not.

It's CD 29 for me, and on CD 24 I got my blood taken. After harassing Dr. Obigeewyan's curt secretary for a week, I found out yesterday afternoon that my progesterone level is at 24. "This is fantastic; I couldn't have asked for better," said Dr. Obigeewyan. "You definitely ovulated this month."

Instantly the black shell of detest that I had mentally formed around Dr. Obi's face melted away, and I wanted to hug her through the phone. Finally some good news! But now what?

"Take a pregnancy test in a week. Then call me," said Dr. Obi.

Yes, sounds good, I told myself. Wait one week. I am an adult; I am making the decision to wait; this is what I'm going to do.

So of course, I woke up this morning at 3:30 a.m. and peed-on-a-stick. And it was negative.

Now I'm doing math - and you all know how well that works out for me. I "think" I ovulated on CD 18, which means the two week wait shouldn't be over until Tuesday. But I used one of those "Test 5 days sooner than your missed period!"B.S. wands. BFN. Grrr.

What do you think, ladies? Give in to the torture or ride it out? Give up hope or keep it alive? Because right now I feel like waving the white flag of surrender.

Saturday, October 3, 2009

Cramp You

You know those people who are incessantly happy and positive? Who think things happen for a reason? Who always see the glass of champagne half full when others see a massive hangover on the horizon?

Yeah, I'm not one of those people. But for the past month I've been masquerading as one. I've decided to force myself to take a positive outlook on all aspects of my life - my highly stressful job, my vanishing motivation to work out, and of course my infertility. It's basically because I've come to the conclusion that my intense levels of stress must be contributing to my anovulation.

It has been a struggle. I need to keep reminding myself to banish the gloom and doom from my brain. I find myself smiling a strained smile almost all day in an effort to trick my mind into happiness.

And it's worked ... to some degree.

But now I'm on Day 22 of my cycle and I woke up with the worst cramps. I don't know why. My shortest cycle of late has been 40+ days ... and that's before they stopped coming at all. Maybe miraculously my cycle is evening out and I'm getting my period? But that would mean I'm not pregnant - of course - which means my second cycle of Clomid was a dud.

I'm trying to stay positive and not Google something insane like "cramps + cycle day 22 + death" but it's hard. And if I try to talk about with BumpMister, he automatically starts saying "I thought you were going to try to be positive this cycle..."

I think he and I have different definitions of "positive."