Friday, December 11, 2009

Black Clouds

The holiday season: It's supposed to be a time of slender candy canes and heaps of granulated sugar and mountains of Godiva chocolate. Santa is coming, champagne is chilling and presents are ready for unwrapping.

But above all the bustle you hear ... a rumbling. A storm. Black clouds forming on the horizon. Lightning flickering over your work party's holiday buffet. Why?

Because between Christmas and New Year's, a pivotal precipice is being mounted. A spiny peak of pain is jutting forward and cannot be ignored.

I am turning 29 in 19 days.

When I was younger, I thought my mom was so young for having me at 27. I would at least wait until 28 - I mean, come on. Let's be sensible. Fast forward to today, when the decision is totally out of my hands. 29 seems ancient.

Maybe it's not old to you. If it's not, I apologize. But let me tell you what IS old: This process. This endless guessing and waiting and hoping. This exploring and yearning and watching as others get what you've wanted for so long. This unfair, unfair, unfairness.

Friends, you know me. I don't normally get so down. But I'm tired. And the cloud is looming. And it's NOT fair. And that's all I can say tonight.


  1. I can relate! I just turned 28 years old and figured I'd at least be pregnant with my first or already have my first ... so not the case. My mom was 22 when she first had my older brother ... wish I had started earlier, especially now that I'm having so many problems.

    I pray we both get our babies soon!

  2. I definitely understand. I turned 29 this past year, and this was the very first time I ever cried on a birthday! I was only one month post-surgery (my 3rd), and really emotional. 30 is only 4 short months away, and I'm already having slight panic attacks just thinking about it...
    I hope you are able to enjoy your birthday and I hope you get your BFP before you ever hit 30 :).

  3. Thanks Auntie K and callmemama. Enough wallowing for me. I'm trying to approach the big 2-9 with a smile. Wishing for BFPs for you before your next milestones.

  4. Just turned 29 myself and all I can say is I hear ya sister....
    Its so unfair that the unfairness is way past fair =(

  5. I'm not quite there yet but I understand nonetheless. Basically for me all birthdays after 21 sucked but especially now as 30 looms ever closer and still no baby... *hugs*