You know those people who are incessantly happy and positive? Who think things happen for a reason? Who always see the glass of champagne half full when others see a massive hangover on the horizon?
Yeah, I'm not one of those people. But for the past month I've been masquerading as one. I've decided to force myself to take a positive outlook on all aspects of my life - my highly stressful job, my vanishing motivation to work out, and of course my infertility. It's basically because I've come to the conclusion that my intense levels of stress must be contributing to my anovulation.
It has been a struggle. I need to keep reminding myself to banish the gloom and doom from my brain. I find myself smiling a strained smile almost all day in an effort to trick my mind into happiness.
And it's worked ... to some degree.
But now I'm on Day 22 of my cycle and I woke up with the worst cramps. I don't know why. My shortest cycle of late has been 40+ days ... and that's before they stopped coming at all. Maybe miraculously my cycle is evening out and I'm getting my period? But that would mean I'm not pregnant - of course - which means my second cycle of Clomid was a dud.
I'm trying to stay positive and not Google something insane like "cramps + cycle day 22 + death" but it's hard. And if I try to talk about with BumpMister, he automatically starts saying "I thought you were going to try to be positive this cycle..."
I think he and I have different definitions of "positive."
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
Do you know when you ovulated? I got pretty bad cramps about a week after I ovulated - maybe implantation related. Also, you can have cramps when you actually ovulate - I always had minor ones around that time. If this is unusual for you it could be a good thing.
ReplyDeleteIt's SO hard to stay positive when you feel like your life is on hold and you're in limbo, waiting for something you desperately want. I totally understand that feeling. Don't beat yourself up for feeling negative sometimes, after all what's happening in your life right now is a stressful thing and it's ok to admit it. At the same time, I think it's great that you're trying to be positive. Maybe you can try to look at the long term instead of the short term - like eventually, no matter what path you take, you will be a mother someday.
Thank you so much Pam; your comments really made me rethink my outlook again - I like the idea of thinking long-term and that I WILL be a mother one day, regardless of what is happening now.
ReplyDeleteI don't really know when I ovulated. I "think" it was CD 18 but it's so hard to read those damn OPK strips. Plus my temp is so out of whack. I may not have ovulated at all. Oh well. Thinking long term! :)
I remember having bad cramping most of my 2ww with clomid, don't know if that's why???
ReplyDeleteI hope your attempts at being positive brings you one in real life, good luck =)
Thanks Shanny!!
ReplyDelete